my paper heart..

my lil' princess

Heres some new pictures of Alaynea, all dressed up for church sunday.

 

Shes doing really good, and getting so big! I add oatmeal to her formula now, because the doc told me to, and its doing wonders for her tummy and "acid reflux". Today is the first time she's sat in her swing for awhile. Before, she was scared of it.

She had a doc appointment on Friday and weighed 9pnds 15 oz, and then on Tuesday we went back to make sure the oatmeal was working out, and she weighed 10pnds 6oz! Guess its workin' good, Doc!

QotD: Kitchen Essentials

What are the 10 foods you must have in your refrigerator and/or your kitchen cabinet? 
Submitted by Carol.  

1. koolaid
2. sugar
3. baby formula
4. baby oatmeal
5. bottled water
6. nursery water
7. bread
8. bagels
9. cream cheese
10. sliced cheese

I think I could add more. lol. I didnt realize that I NEEDED so much. :\

'cause I dont believe in you anymore..

This probably wont be a very long entry, since its almost 2am and I've got to get up at like 9 to go to church with mom. It'll be the first time Alaynea gets to go. ;)

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Bobby and I got into a fight again tonight.. AGAIN. It's never-ending with us. I just dont know what to do.. I mean, as much as he tells me he wants to be with us, and blah blah blah.. he just isnt doing anything to BE with us. Actions speak louder than words. I've said that a BAZILLION times, and its true. You cant sit there and whine to me about how you miss us and its my fault because I have time for everyone BUT you. Bullcrap. I dont go anywhere except to my dads house, I never get to do the things I used to do anymore. Its too difficult to cart a 1 month old around. Besides, if you honestly wanted to be with us, you'd be fixing the things you need to fix.

STOP SMOKING WEED!

and we can be together.

the end.

kthnx.

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I finally talked things out with my mom.. we didnt completely fix things, but atleast she knows that her CONSTANT nagging is driving me away from her and I need her to chill out.

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I signed up yesterday to go and take my GED test. The actual test isn't until September 11th and 12th. Im nervous, but whatever. Ashley is supposed to be signing up to take the test too. That'll make me feel somewhat better that someone is doing it with me.

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Well.. I should get some sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more time.. and tell ya about Alayneas one month doc visit.

momming is hard work.. !

Gawd.. I think alot about those little 13 yr old girls on the Maury show who wanna get pregnant and have babies.. they are psycho! Being a mom is really hard work, man. I was reading an article about a woman who went in for her 6 week checkup and was already pregnant with TWINS. omg. I would die.

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I had my doc appointment today to start birth control. I hate birth control, I really do.. but whatever. Im going to give the pill one more shot, and if it doesnt work, then ohwell. The last time I took THIS SAME pill, I ended up getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. I told those idiots that today, but.. they apparently think it will be okay this time. I have another appointment later this month for my 6 week checkup, and I'm going to ask them about the afterbirth and the things the doc said about it (by the sounds of it, I was supposed to have twins, but one had died..). While that is a depressing thought, in some sick & twisted way, Im almost thankful. There is NO WAY I could handle twins, not as a first time mom. Especially not having Bobbys complete support, and living with my mom in a one bedroom apartment.. jeez, it would be so hard to handle. Dont get me wrong, I'd be thankful had God given me the opportunity, but I also think he never gives us more than we can handle.

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Bobby and I hardly talk anymore.. he calls me everyday on his lunchbreak and its a pretty boring conversation and pretty much a waste of cellphone minutes. Then he calls me whenever he gets off from work and its basically the same thing. Lets face it, whenever your not around someone for so long.. and you dont have much to do with eachother, you grow apart. The past few days, I really dont even feel like being in a relationship. Im tired of haing someone call me just to see what I'm doing (where I am, etc) and tell me what they are (or aren't) doing. I really just want to be left alone.

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Tomorrow is Alaynea's one month doc appointment. Jeez, she is already a month old today! I cannot believe how big she's getting and how time is just flying by! It really makes me sad.. :(   While part of me is excited to see her grow and become more independent, another part of me is sad to see that little girl grow. It wont be long and I'll be giving her whippin's and putting her on restriction. lmao. jk. Im anxious to see how much shes grown and how much weight she has put on. She's starting to eat more at a time now.. so I'm sure there will be a significant weight gain. Hopefully this time I'm able to catch it (I missed it at her one week check up). We're also going to talk to the doc about changing her formula, for her little tummy's sake. OH! Lastnight, she ate around 10:30pm, and FINALLY went to sleep around 1am. She slept until around 7am this morning! My mom was freaking out, checking on her every hour. But.. she is just getting more in her tummy at night and then she sleeps longer. Thank God. I hope she keeps it up. :)

JUST hush.

I'm getting really frustrated lately.. it seems like no matter what I do, or what decisions have to be made my parents feel like they need to butt in and give their two cents, and sometimes make me feel threatened that if I don't do what THEY want, there will be consequences. Its getting annoying, and old. My mom doesn't want me to have ANYTHING to do with Bobby, which.. even if we aren't together, is still impossible. I'm not going to keep him from seeing his daughter. My dad has left me alone about the situation with Bobby, but he wants me to be looking for a job - 4 weeks after having a baby - so he doesn't have to make my car payment on the 20th. I can understand that.. but I cant rush out and get a job earlier than I'm supposed to, and risk having problems. Its just getting annoying, and even though I'm pissed, I havent been able to stand up to either or them and tell them how I feel. I just wanna move out and be MYSELF.

QotD: Best Week Ever & etc.

If you knew you had one week to live, what would you do, where would you go, who would you see? 
Submitted by normatheartist

Knowing me, I'd waste most of my time crying. :\   I'd spend as much time with Alaynea, and probably prepare a video for her, that she could watch whenever she is older, letting her know just how much I love her and why I've done some of the things I've done since she was born. I'd eat my favorite foods, go see my friends, spend time with family. My main concern would be for Alaynea.

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Right now, she is laying on her boppy pillow just cooing and fidgeting. I cannot believe how big she is getting, and how HEAVY! She has her next doc appointment this coming thursday or friday (I have one on oneday, and hers is the other). Im anxious to see how much she weighs. Yesterday I had to start bagging up some outfits that she has already grown out of. :(

I gave her a bath earlier and it was the first one that she really loved! She didnt cry at all until I took her out of the water. I even let her sit there for a little bit before I got her out, but I was afraid she'd get too cold if I left her in there long.

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Well.. I'm not feeling the greatest today, I'm pretty sure I'm trying to get a migraine. >.<    Hopefully she takes a nap soon and I will follow. xxo.

video and etc.

Thanks for all of the comments girls. I appreciate it.

I am really not down about Bobby and I splitting up, so dont be worried that I'm sitting over here crying my eyes out. I most certainly am not.

I've been sorting through all of mine and Alaynea's stuff that I brought from his house. Alot of stuff I dont have room for, so if I dont need it right now, or wont need it for a few months, I'm taking it to my dads house to put in his garage until I get my own place or mom gets a bigger place of her own. Her lease is up in October, and she wants to get a bigger place, so Alaynea and I can stay with her. I cant wait to be able to set up Alaynea's bedroom, and all of her carebear stuff. Right now I'm having to store it all away because there isnt room.

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Sometime today I'm supposed to meet up with Bobby so he can give me the money for his cellphone bill. We get both of our phones through a family friend of mine, so I get the money and put it into her bank account whenever the bills are due. If he doesnt pay me today, I'm having his phone shut off. My bill is due too.. $60 and I dont have money to pay it. I asked my dad if he would help me out and he wants me to make Bobby pay it, but I'll be lucky if I get the money for HIS bill. Altogether its about $140, I know he isnt going to give me anymore than he has to.

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Alaynea is doing good. She is getting so big. I'm going to upload a video of her squirming on my moms bed the other day.. she is trying so hard to figure out how to get her legs under her and crawl. It wont be long and we wont be able to leave her on the bed anymore. lol. Sorry the quality isn't the greatest.

 

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Ah, well.. I guess thats it for now. I'm gonna take a nap while she's sleeping. xxo.

Here we go again..

Once again, Bobby and I are having problems. He's just not willing to give up some things, and I cant take it anymore. Today we got into a fight on the phone and I told him I wanted to come and get some of my stuff. He told me he would leave when I was coming that way because he didnt want to see me.

Im hurt by some things, but I feel very empowered because I was strong enough to go and get EVERY SINGLE THING of mine out of his house. How long will this last? I dont know.. but I wont give in to bullcrap and lies anymore.

Alaynea is better off because I made a mature choice. Im proud of myself.

update and photos..

Here are some pictures from yesterday. My lil' girl is already two weeks old. It doesnt seem like its even been that long. She definately is showing her personality, and her lil' temper. She's very impatient and wants things HER way. She can hold her head up really good, and can roll over on her side from her back.

Alaynea's photo rampage.

Most of these pictures are from us in the hospital, about 5 hours after birth. This was the first time I really got to hold her and be with her.

I was on magnesium - something they had to give me for my heart, and it made me swell alot and very groggy. For the first 24 hours of her life, I wasn't allowed to be alone with her. So.. at 4am, I asked to see her and my nurse (who was absolutely awesome, and I probably wouldve had a very different labor/delivery/after care experience if it wasn't for her) went and got her from the nicu for me and stayed with me for as long as she could. She's actually the one who took these pictures for me.

The last picture is from Alaynea's first day home (7-12-07) and I was giving her a spongebath. Needless to say - she wasnt very fond of the experience. lol.

I took some other pictures earlier today and I'll probably take more later whenever Bobby comes over. I'll try and get those uploaded today or tomorrow sometime.